Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
