...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
