I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
