I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
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