4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
