The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
