Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
