T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
