i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
