mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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