It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
