every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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