youre lurking in front of me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
