I just pynch a tree in the face
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
