I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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