my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
