I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
