Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
