I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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