there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
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how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm like, not good at living.