im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
