I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
