i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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