i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
