I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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