I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
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We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
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