my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
