haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
