You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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