Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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