remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
