Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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