i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
