miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
