remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
