She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
