To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
