never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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