If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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