yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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