You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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