Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
