I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
