So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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