I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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