On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
