ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
