ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
