im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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