11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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