yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
