i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
