I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
