i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
