There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
