I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was like getting head from an anaconda
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
